


Failure

by sassbuttcas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Sad, fallen!cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-05
Updated: 2013-08-05
Packaged: 2017-12-22 12:15:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/913105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassbuttcas/pseuds/sassbuttcas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas visits an old friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Failure

“‘Look, I don't need to feel like hell for failing you, okay? For failing you like I've failed every other godforsaken thing that I care about! I don't need it!’ ...You said this to me once. You always want to save everyone, that’s what I love about you, Dean. No matter what you do, it is never for yourself.” Castiel adjusted the sleeve of his trench coat which was beginning to feel tight around his shoulder since he had buffed up quite a bit since wearing it.   
“I wore this for you. It’s been such a long time; it might be getting too small. I don’t know if you like this coat, or if it’s just my imagination. You never seemed to like the clothes I picked out, you said I reminded you too much of Sam with the plaid shirts and I looked really geeky in the sweater vests I tried on,” Cas chuckled. “I don’t really understand our relationship. Even now, looking at old pictures of us, I don’t get it. How could two people be so close yet so far away for so long? It was too long, Dean. Way too long. You’d probably say it didn’t feel that long, it was only a couple of years, maybe 5 or 6, but then again you haven’t known me for thousands of years. I’ve known you for thousands of years, in every life, in every form. I loved it. I always knew where to find you once the simple little flower wilted or the 86 year old man died peacefully in his bed. Of course, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you that you were once a flower, would you? You’d probably refer back to the time when I was ‘off my rocker’ and thought bees knew the meaning of life. You were especially exceptional in this life, where we actually met, face to face. You are a real life superhero. The only problem was your insane mindset that you had to save everyone. That you had to save _me._ Of all people, you thought it was your sworn duty to protect your angel... sorry _fallen_ angel. But I didn’t come here to talk to you about sad things because all I’ve ever wanted to do was make you happy, however much I failed at that.”   
Cas fixed his collar and loosened his tie. He sat down on the cold, green grass and shut his eyes. After a short minute, he opened them again and outstretched his arm, placing the bouquet of roses on the ground in front of him and let out a long sigh.

“I don’t know if you like roses. I mean, I never tried to get you flowers. I thought I’d get a snarky reply about how girly I am or overly sappy I was. However, there is probably something deep inside you that wanted something traditional, like flowers or chocolates or a love letter. I guess I’m not really a traditional lover, huh?” Cas snickered and played with his fingers. “I don’t think we are traditional. We definitely don’t fit in any category I’ve ever heard of. But at least we have each other, right? Well, you know what I mean. Do you remember what I said to you that one time we were in your tent discussing plans for some sort of attack on the Croats? Well, it was quiet. It was just you and I and I had listened to every single word you said about the upcoming battle, I swear I did, but I said ‘We may have lost everything, but at least we have each other.’ I shocked you so much I don’t think you could have said anything else except ‘I love you’. Which you did, in a very low and husky tone. It made me smile and, as much as you like to deny it, you blushed. That night was cold, or at least that’s what everyone else said. I could never be cold when I was next to you. I don’t know if it was the fact that you were a human furnace or just the natural occurrence of ‘I love you and you make me warm’. What do you think? Did I keep you warm? I hope I did. I hope my humanity kept you warm. Do you want to know what the saddest part is? When I fell, all I thought about was getting back to you. I travelled for days, never eating, hardly sleeping unless it was completely necessary. When I finally got back to you, nothing mattered but you. To see you safe, happier than you’ve been in a long time, standing next to Sam at the front door, Kevin behind, trying to see what the commotion was about. That night was my first night of truly being human. I got to spend it with you, do you remember? I don’t think we slept until dawn, and even then I never wanted to close my eyes until you started drifting off and I heard a faint whisper of ‘I love you, Cas’ leave your lips and give me a shiver that was so _warm_ throughout my body... You talk in your sleep, you know that?” Castiel smiled to himself. “It’s god damn adorable.”  
He stood on his knees and bent over the large stone. He planted a soft kiss on the top of the marble and rested back against his knees. His eyes started to swell with tears he was no longer trying to hold back. He stared at the plaque on the stone and read the words in his head for the fifth time. _In loving memory of Dean Winchester, loving brother, caring husband, and hero._ The tears ran hot down his face and he had to take a deep inhale of breath to calm himself down.

“Is it... still considered a heartache when in fact, it’s... your entire body and soul that feel... broken?”

Cas let his head fall into his hands as he sobbed again, tears leaving his eyes so fast he had no time to breathe and started gasping for air between sobs. He stayed like this for a few minutes, rubbing his eyes every once in a while to see if this was all just a dream and that his hunter was still with him, sitting in the impala next to him, listening to some classic rock song that he would sing along to and Cas would just stare at him and smile because he was happy and that made Cas happy. But it wasn’t a dream.

He straightened himself out, wiping his face with the sleeve of the worn trench coat and leaned a hand against the black marble stone for support.

“You always said you loved the sky when the sun had just gone down and the light blue started to darken. You said it reminded you of my eyes. I think that’s why I loved the forest so much. The grass, the trees, the stems of beautiful flowers. They remind me of your eyes, Dean. Even when your eyes were sad and dead, they were still the most gorgeous things to look into. I miss being able to see your soul. I could still see it right in your eyes in the pictures we took. Especially the ones by the beach, those ones are my favorite. Dean...” Cas trailed off, closing his eyes. He stood up and opened them just enough to look down at the tall tombstone in front of him. Dean. His hunter. His human. _His everything._ And now he had nothing. Nothing but an empty hole in his chest where his heart used to beat, quicker whenever he was around Dean, but now no more.

“You thought that you failed me. You thought you failed me like everything else you cared about. I showed you that you were wrong, that you don’t need to be the hero all the time. After you said you felt like hell for failing me, I said to you, ‘You can’t save everyone, my friend.’ ...I just wish I could have saved _you_.”


End file.
